I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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