i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
