sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
