Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
