i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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