your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
only you would photoshop your dick
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
