i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
