I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
