Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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