I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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