So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
