You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
