My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
