I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
