You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
