It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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