3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
