I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
