The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
