I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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