Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
