Yo dont text me then not text me
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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