ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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