hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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