Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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