The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
