Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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