i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
