who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
