Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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