I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
