maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
