I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
