all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
