My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
