She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
