Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
