so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
