I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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