why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
