K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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