You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
