so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
