I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
