Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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