The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
