Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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