I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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