He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
