Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
