That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
